To A Friend- An Eminent (Male) Gay Scholar...

Dear Professor Sparkles,

I regret to tell you that your contract to appear at the Crisco Club has been terminated. While this may come as a disappointment, the management refuses further direct communication with you, despite the fact that you initially came highly recommended.

Your agreement clearly stipulates that acceptable decorum is expected from performers. Furthermore, arrests constitute grounds for cancellation. Such grounds include: disturbing the peace; public intoxication; disorderly infractions of "law and order"; loud or profane language; provoking mayhem; and other behaviors which, in your case, are far too numerous to mention, and which, unfortunately, all apply to your vacation in Italy, which UPI reported as "a rampage gone amuck."

As legal counsel for the club, I must inform you that the mechanical "Bucking Bronco" you planned to use was only given you on loan as the attached forms confirm. You have 30 days to return it in proper working order (i.e., with all parts of the apparatus functioning normally), including the electric "glow-in-the-dark" phallus. Obviously, the Happy Swiss Cow outfit with pulsing udders is expected back at the same time.

The Crisco Club feels that a breach of contract litigation will be pointless. No responsible judge will rule in favor of a plaintiff who instigated a fracas in which adolescent Italian males were given mid-altering substances and urged to invade a busload of Miami's "Blue Rinse Tours," by exposing themselves so flagrantly and perpetuating gross indecencies on seventy-year old American tourists.

While lewd acts committed on foreign soil fall outside US jurisdiction, the victims have complained vigorously at the Consulate in Venice- further inflaming local sensibilities and outraging the parents of the aforesaid youths by attempting to re-establish continuing contact. Offers of "all expenses paid" vacations to Disneyland in exchange "for services rendered" are resented. As such, although none of the misled youths appear to be upset, and while all have shown a willingness to participate in future depravities, you may face civil suits from the parents of thirty Italian families.

Yours, etc.

Abramham M. Brenner, Esq.
Counsel at Law